One patient having a treatment around the shoulder blade said, “Can you go a bit nearer to me?” I thought for a while and said, “How do you mean, go in deeper? “No I mean in a bit.” “Pardon?” “Towards my back.” “Pardon?” “On my spine” “Oh!” I said and did so.

Another time someone rang up and asked, “Do you have Gift Vouchers.” “Yes I do.” “Could I have one for my husband for a Christmas present?” “Yes it could be sent you through the post.” “Thank you, err, could he have the massage on Christmas morning?” She wondered why I said “NO!”

One elderly patient arrived at my clinic not feeling very well even before the treatment started, she said she felt faint so she laid down on the plinth and we sent for her Doctor. He was not happy had with her condition and sent for an ambulance to take her to the D.R.I. “What about my car” she asked. “At lunchtime I will drive it to your home and Marlene can bring me back. I said. So at lunchtime we went to the car - it refused to start. Knowing that she had been having trouble starting her car in the past I kept trying. We even got the aid of the local traffic warden to help try to push start it, the car still would not start. After about 50 minutes I gave up, having only 10 minutes left for my lunch. After three days the patient was released from hospital and phoned the Clinic to ask where her car was. I explained that I could not start it and that it was still where she had left it “Oh I forgot to tell you that I had left the isolator switched on” I will not print my thoughts as to the reply I was going to give!

One time a couple came with the patient being the wife. She was one of these people who never stop talking. She could talk for an hour and not say anything. During the treatment I had to do some deep massage to the inner middle thigh. This is renowned as a painful area, when I started, the patient stopped talking. Her husband jumped up and said ' Will you sell me the location of that button, I thought I'd gone deaf.'

One patient had an artificial hip replacement and came for post-operative treatment. We had a hard time settling the muscles of the joint down. It took quite a lot of treatments before she felt any respite, so much so that she had to have another implant on the other hip. After the operation the Consultant said, 'Well, this went better than the last one'. “Why how do you mean”, she asked. “Oh!” he said, “When I inserted the ball section into your femur (thigh bone) it shattered and I had to tie it together with wire, didn't I tell you this?” Needless to say the recovery from the second operation via my treatment healed a lot faster than the first time.

Because tea and coffee are stimulants and may have an adverse effect, (apart from making patients wanting the loo), we do not offer them to patients. One very hot day one patient asked for a drink and was given water. When his wife came in (she had been to the loo) he said, "This is the nearest I've ever been and still not get a cup of tea!”

When treating a patient for a neck problem I had him lying on his back with his head near the end of the plinth. “Does it hurt” “Yes” he said. After some massage I asked “Is that better?” “No it still hurts,” he said. After some more massage the muscles felt really relaxed, I asked again, once again he said it hurt “What in your neck”, “NO! It's your belt buckle digging into my head”

One patient having a treatment around the shoulder blade said, "Can you go a bit nearer to me?" I thought for a while and said "How do you mean, go in deeper? "No I mean in a bit." "Pardon?" "Towards my back." "Pardon?" "On my spine" "Oh!" I said and did so.

Another time someone rang up and asked "Do you have Gift Vouches." "Yes I do." "Could I have one for my husband for a Christmas present?" "Yes I could send you one through the post." "Thank you, err, could he have the massage on Christmas morning?" She wondered why I said "NO".

One elderly patient arrived at my clinic not feeling very well even before the treatment had started she said she felt faint so she lay down on the plinth and we sent for her Doctor. He was not happy with her condition and sent for an ambulance to take her to the D.R.I. "What about my car" she asked. "At lunch-time I will drive it to your home and Marlene can fetch me back". So at lunch- time we went to the car- it refused to start. Knowing that she had been having trouble before I kept trying. We even got the aid of the local traffic warden to help try to push start it, it still would not start. After about 50 minutes I gave up, having to get back and missing my lunch.
After three days she was released from the hospital and phoned the Clinic as to where her car was. I explained that I could not start it and that it was still where she had left it "Oh, I forgot to tell you that I had left the isolator switched on" I will not print my thoughts as to the reply I was going to say!

I had one patient came and said that she has ached since the last treatment I asked if she had applied ice to the treated area, "Yes after I got home from work I peed myself" (I hope she meant applied a bag of frozen peas).

One chap phoned up and said "Can you do anything for me?" he asked, "I don't know I can't see you or know what is wrong" I said. "Oh, Do you know who could help me then?"…. "I might be able to, but I need to see you first", "Oh, OK when?" We made an appointment and I was able to help him.

Another time my mobile phone rang and this man said, "Is that Mr. Thacker?" "Yes " I said. "Are you in pain?" As I was having trouble with my calf muscles at the time I thought this man is Psychic. "Why do you ask?" I said. "Because you seem to be breathing heavily" "Yes, you've called on my mobile and I'm walking up a hill"

I once had a very disgruntled weightlifter come with an S/I problem. He had been coming for quite a while and was about 95% right. "What happened"? I asked "Huh. I picked up an empty yoghurt carton and it slipped out of my hand and without thinking I snatched at it to catch it and felt my back go out- the **** thing was empty it wouldn't have matters if I had let it drop"!

One patient came in very upset "What is the matter? I asked "I was all right until I got out of my car to come here, now it's gone again!" "Well," I said, "it couldn't have been very stable" "Well stabilise it and lock the B***** door after it" He said.

"How long will it take to get right" I was once asked, "I don't know" I said, "Well you've got two crystal balls on your desk can't you look into them?" they said "I don't think so" was the answer.

On occasion I may run a little late, this happened one day and after ten minutes I asked the next patient to come into the treatment room, "Oh," she said, "I have forgotten what I came for!"

One ex patient phoned up and said "Can I make an appointment for my wife". "Yes", I said, "What is the problem?" "She is sick of me". "Pardon?" "Oh sorry, I just thought of something, she is sick of me keep getting on to her about her neck and told me to make an appointment for her".

I had one patient who had trouble getting her dress off one day so the next time she came in she wore some large trousers. When asked to disrobe she promptly undid her belt - the trousers dropped, and she walked backward out of them. I had trouble undoing an elderly lady patient's bra as she lay on the plinth "I bet you could have done it better when you were 18 " she said. I didn't answer! Another patient used to come in and say "My hips must be out -I don't feel twisted"

One patient phoned the Clinic "Can I help you?" asked Sharon, "Err no, can I speak to Mac?" he said. "Is it important?" "Yes, very important" "Hold the line please" She then asked me to receive the call, "What is the problem?" I asked. "Mac I've hurt my back can I make an appointment to come and see you?" I duly put him back to my receptionist!

Another time one patient came and asked "How is so and so?" I explained that I was not allowed to give any information about any patients at all without a written permission form them "If I bring one from them will you tell me then?" "Yes, but why don't you just ask them". " Oh I don't want them to think I'm nosy." they said.

A man came to the clinic that had been coming for some time with a long standing problem. “I feel fine with no pain at all,” he said. But I have been to the dentist because I have two crowns come out at Christmas so I stuck them back in with Super glue. The trouble was that it affects the nerve and he had to inject the gums 10 times in each to remove the roots. I have been in agony so I have had to take 10 painkillers each day, but only for the pain in my mouth. But I have no pain at all in my back” I had to explain that the painkillers haven't got signs on them to work on just certain areas, and that they affect the whole body (as well as upsetting the liver).Needless to say he still needed treatment!

Another patient came with a pain in his right upper arm when asked how he had done it he said “Don't laugh but I did it pulling a hair from my nostrils”.

I have had some strange reasons why patients have not come for an appointment but I had one yesterday that took some beating. A man came to the clinic when a woman was due to attend, “It's my wife who should be here, and she is sitting in the car, but our nieces came with us for the ride and have been sick all over the car and her so I have had to come and tell you that she won't be coming she has to go home and get cleaned up. Can she make another appointment” which she did (without the children!)

Another one was a man phoned to make an appointment for his wife “! She has and very painful frozen shoulder and can't wait the two weeks for the Physio to see her”. My receptionist said that we had a cancellation at 2.30 that afternoon, so he put her on the phone “Oh I can't make it for then” she said. 1100 a.m. tomorrow the receptionist said “No” came the reply. 5.30. p.m. on Thursday, “No, I think I'll leave it and phone next week to see if it's better then” she said!!

Yet another one phoned “I want an appointment at 2.30.p.m tomorrow” “Sorry we are full then but I can make one for you at 4.00.p.m. “Oh no if I can't come at 2.30 pm I won't bother”. And put the phone down!!!

Years ago I took over a practitioner's patients and apparently he would not take fools gladly, and was known for his no nonsense way of talking to his patients. I have hear of one or two time he spoke his mind, which I think might amuse you; one time he said to a patient “ I'm sorry, you have a bone complaint that I can't help you with.” The chap looked alarmed and asked “What is it?” “Your bone idle” was the curt reply.

Another time he told a husband of a woman he had been treating for some time, “You can do more for her than I can.” “How do you mean?” he asked. “Next time she moans, give her a good kick up the backside” was his reply.

I have just had a patients come in to the Clinic complaining of being very stiff in both shoulders and neck. When I asked what had she been doing, she said that the day before she had been clipping her hedge. "Is it a large hedge? I asked. "Well I need a stool". "How long did it take? "Oh its quite long it took 5 hours without a rest. You know me I like to get stuck in and get it done" and she wondered why she was stiff in her shoulders!


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Is it what you expected to see in a Newsletter? If you have any comments please let us know, or if you have anything to add or suggest please contact us by letter to, the Belper Backpain Clinic, 5a, North Mill Office Suites, Bridge Foot, Belper, Derbyshire. DE565 1YD by telephone on 01773 822523 I look forward to hearing from you.
Good Health..................Mac